my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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