Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
