He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
