bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
