Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
