How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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