He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
