I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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