So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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