How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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