i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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