I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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