I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
