so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
