I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
