You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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