He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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