I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
