i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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