Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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