17 year olds will be the death of me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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