No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
