Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
