please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
