I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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