I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
