i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
