This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
