Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
