My sheets look like a crime scene.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
