A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
