i don't like sucking hair
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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