There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
