Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize