What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
