So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
