you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
