Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
