So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
