I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
