we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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