can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
