If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
