I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We just shotgunned beers for America
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Randomize
