It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
