I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
