You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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