a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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