New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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