how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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