can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
