he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
